The weight of cancer takes a toll. The heaviest burden is what is has taken from my family. My boys have had to deal with 7 years of uncertainty, a previously active, fun mom, pain, surgeries, treatments, side effects.
People don't alway understand when I say that it is easier being the patient. I can feel my body healing. My appointments are sent to my phone. The scan reports are available for me to reread. I'm entrenched in the process. Talking about all of that to the boys and David not only makes it more real, it takes us all to a different view point. I do avoid their involvement sometimes because I like us to live. I don't want the procedures, appointments, emails with doctors, and uncertainty to be what they remember.
My latest scan proved that the tumor at my celiac axis is growing and is entangled with the blood vessel. This makes surgery (the only cure) less likely. CEA is the tumor marker numbers that colon cancer goes by. The highest mine has ever been was 36. This was in 2014 when the cancer returned to my liver with 2 liaisons about 2cm each. Currently, my number is 77. This number has weight attached.
Everyone in our world is dealing with weight. The weight of the pandemic, whether you believe in it or not, you are spending energy on it. Our political world, no matter your side, you are spending energy on it. The racial divide, regardless of your opinion, you are spending energy on it. Murder hornets, dust flume, returning to school, face masks, going out to dinner, and the list goes on and on....our energy is tapped out.
The weight of waiting is one of the hardest things about cancer. When there is a plan, you can figure out your next step and be preparing for it. If the next step isn't clear, you wait. As you wait, there is stress. Am I at the right doctor? (I have total faith in my doctors at Stanford) Should I look at alternative treatments? Is my time limited?
Tuesday will be the next update. Hope some weight is lifted.
