Fringes of Sanity & other sobering thoughts

#fringesofsanity

My new hashtag comes with a lump of reality, signs of hope and true grit. Dr. Chang at Stanford has been a fighter for me. When Anthem wouldn't approve the specialized radiation they wanted to perform and felt like it was my best shot in 2018, Dr. Chang wrote emails, called Anthem countless times and would text and email me with updates. Dr. Chang took my case to the tumor board last month.  He called and said, "I have good news, kind of.  I think.  Maybe.  We have a surgeon that is willing to do this surgery.  It is on the fringes of sanity."

Nothing like that type of confidence coming from a doctor, but I appreciate the brutal honesty.  I met with the surgeon a couple of weeks ago.  Dr. Visser explained that the tumor is "engaged" with my pancreas. It is moving towards the celiac axis artery.  After the appointment I typed out the words that had been spoken not realizing exactly what they meant, but they hit me hard as I clicked away at the keyboard. If I chose not to do the surgery, they could keep me alive "for a year or two, because this is a very busy, complicated part of the body."  Never before have they put a timeline on my disease. He also said the surgery isn't a cure, but the hope is when it comes back the cancer will pick an easier part of the body to treat.

Surgery is evil.  Abdominal surgery is especially toxic.  Recover isn't pretty.  I dread the pain in my abdomen -trying to sit up, going to the bathroom, walking down the hospital hallways convincing the team I can leave, tubes and drains in my sides, measuring what is coming out of the drains, epidural side effects, pain management and so on and so forth.What I don't dread is the moment I realize I am getting better!  What I look forward to is giving the middle finger to cancer again.  I have learned so much about myself these last 7 1/2 years.  Some good.  Some not so good.  But, I know that I have lots of determination, grit and desire to overcome.  What I must admit is I am tired. 

There is risk.  I always hated when the doctor at Hopkins would talk about quality of life.  Here I am 4 years later with the same tumor. I now dislike the words risk/benefit.  This isn't a small surgery.  I have asked a lot of my body.  Once again, I am asking my body to recover and bounce back.  I'm ready to give it the final heave ho!

Mom and I are preparing for our 40+ hour journey to California!  The positive side is I will get to see my brother, Penny and the kiddos and the Grand Canyon.  The downside is - how do you say goodbye to your children for over a month. How do you do that?  What do you say? Will they know how much they mean to me?